An update on fostering - and the perfect timing of Lent

Many of you know some or all of Stephen's and my journey over the past couple weeks, but I thought it was time to write a more cohesive update (along with a few other thoughts):

Just about two weeks ago Stephen and I were asked to foster a little boy we know and love dearly. Because of the urgent nature of the foster care system, we had a few short days to think and pray about it before either moving forward or closing that door. Through praying a lot those few days, we both felt God calling us out of our comfort zones, asking us to be willing to enter into this life-changing situation no matter how challenging it might be.…So we decided to move forward with the fostering process.

As is the nature of foster care though, it is a complicated and messy process and long story short, the birth father stepped in a few days later and now wants the child. So as of now, it looks as if he will go to the birth father.

It has been an intense couple weeks, with a lot of change happening really fast and a lot of deep emotions. We love this little boy - we've known him since the day he was born and have been praying for him from even before then. We want the best for him....and this whole situation is just very uncertain. It is still a possibility we could get him at some point and our hearts ache for this; but we also ache for him to have the love and care from his birth parents that he deserves. We are sad and tired right now, but God gives us hope throughout this process by reminding us how much more He loves this child than we could ever imagine (thanks to many of you for being the instruments through which God has reminded us of this). Since the beginning of our relationship with the birth mother three years ago God's hand has been so evident - through the ups and downs we truly believe He is writing a beautiful story, for His glory (You can read a little more background about this story here).

And we have faith that His good purposes in this whole process extend far beyond what we can know now. Already, just in a couple short weeks, God has shown Stephen and me more of what it means to trust Him fully and deeply: what it looks like to hold our hands open to him with those we love most, seeking to follow the example of Abraham with his son Isaac, asking God to do what He will and learning to trust Him either way….and we have had to. We wake up in the morning, still at this point not knowing what will happen with this child tomorrow or in 6 months or 2 years....but we are learning as we walk through each day what a deeper trust looks like. God doesn’t ask us to trust him only when we feel confident about what’s next; He asks us to trust Him because He is God and He is GOOD....no matter the outcome. So we pray to trust, with open hands and willing hearts. And we believe that no matter how hard this situation and others in the future might be, it will always be worth it to love.

And while I truly believe this, I need to be honest about where I am right now: I'm tired. I have walked with this friend the past 3 years, doing all I know to do to help her and speaking all the words of advice and truth that I can. Now I love her son as well and there is literally nothing I can do for him at this point except wait. Wait and cry out and get outside myself, trusting in the hand of God more than ever before.

So it is timely that Lent begins tomorrow. The season of Lent has always impacted me greatly - it is a season that shows more of Christ's humanness and brokenness than any other. His deep love for us displayed in the strength and sorrow of His sacrifice on Good Friday has always especially moved me (So much so that Stephen actually proposed to me on Good Friday, wanting our marriage to reflect the ultimate selfless love our Savior displayed on that night).

But even with Lent impacting me so much over the years, it's significance has never hit me so hard as right now. With my heart hurting for this little child I love so much, hurting for his mother, for the brokenness of our systems and culture, heavy with weariness at all I see...I bow my head, thankful for God's timing.

I am thankful to be forced to my knees at a time we are called to reflect on the humility of Christ....I am thankful to be on my knees knowing my Savior was, and is, down here with me. I am thankful for this season of brokenness, reflection, and self-denial with my Savior.

I have always been a control person, a do-er. And I think because of this I have always struggled with fear around surrendering completely to God's power, because it is so awesome and unknown - who knows what He will require of me, if I truly give him control and enter deeper into His love and compassion? Easier to try to live out His love on my own. Easier to do for people than to let our hearts break fully for them. Easier for me to come up with plans to help the birth mother, to find the resources she needs, to help her children and try to rescue them myself - easier to do all this than to let my heart break completely for her as my Lord's does. Easier to do this than to pray and intercede and wait for Him to move.

But there is no end to brokenness in sight and I'm at my end now. The end of my rope, the end of my means. I am just weary. So I enter this season of Lent, tired but thankful for God's perfect timing....thankful that He has been breaking my heart and preparing me for what He knows I need this season. It's like He has brought me to a place where I can do nothing but cry out, walking with Him and weeping and learning to get over myself and trust fully and deeply. He has brought me to this place but I am tired and I welcome it.

So I enter this time of repentance, asking forgiveness for the ways my fear and pride have prevented me from loving my God and this friend and others fully. I ask for Him to bring me low in this time, to help me walk with Him purposefully in His humility and suffering, being reminded of my own sin and selfishness. I ask for Him to help me deny myself in this time to I can experience His strength and grace and compassion in even deeper ways, filled to overflowing with renewed love for this mother who is really my sister, and for my other brothers and sisters for whom God has called me to love and sacrifice - as He has done for me.

In brokenness but also in faith I will cry out with my Savior for God to deliver and to move. I will ask Him to help me love "to the end" and to trust in His power daily to deliver against addiction and brokenness, to save hurting children. And I will look forward all the more to celebrating His resurrection over all pain and anger and death this Easter. I hope you will join me in this as well.

"Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end." (John 13:1)