Still anxious...but taking deep breaths

Friends.....I'm still anxious (see previous posts about things going on in this season of life). This time of waiting and learning to take deep breaths and trust in God in a deeper way....it's been so needed for me. But so hard. And scary. Fear of the unknown, of hurt and pain, is a hard thing to overcome. There is so much uncertainty in life - but when you love people there will always be heartache and uncertainty. And getting involved in foster care just increases that exponentially. It's still scary and overwhelming for me to think about what God might be calling Stephen and me to. But over the past several months God has been reminding me over and over of His deep, inherent GOODNESS. His character is GOOD. And his LOVE - he is literally love (1 John 4:8). He has sacrificed for us, He advocates for us - and though in my humanness I am still afraid, He continues to open my eyes and give me a deeper conviction almost daily of our calling to do the same for others. I feel His fire for people burning in me....His fire for the lost, the hurting, the vulnerable. It fills me and fuels me and grows daily. Though my flesh is weak and still easily given to anxiety, I am so grateful for this season of FIRE - refining me and filling me with a deeper conviction, a burning, God-given passion for His children. On the days I almost feel overcome with anxiety and uncertainty, He fans the fire and burns away this fear.

Friends, He has given us LIFE. More and more in this time I'm understanding how much these lives are truly not our own. We are His - to take up our cross, to be loved powerfully by Him, to weep with Him and laugh with him, to love others with abandon and tears and joy. Dying to ourselves everyday, no matter how challenging or scary, and trusting Him more deeply allows us to show His resurrection power to the world. This is the cry of my heart...to love Him more and show His glory to the world, for His love to pour out of me to the hurting and broken.

But sometimes (often) to most display His glory and love others fully, it is hard and uncomfortable for us. So no matter how much our hearts desire to follow Him and do His will, it is still scary. Which is why I am again so thankful for this time - to learn how to wait, how to pray continually and with greater faith, how to be willing to serve God even when I don't know what that might require of me. Not knowing what's next, feeling inadequate and insufficient, not being able to prepare, causes me to have a panic attack almost daily. Still. But then God whispers to me almost daily as well (often through my wonderful husband...) that faith doesn't mean we'll feel adequate or be able to prepare for what God is calling us to - "faith is knowing and loving the one who is leading," trusting that His story is so beautiful and His power so great that He will equip us for whatever comes. When I start to feel overcome by fear, I can almost feel Christ looking into my eyes, reaching down and pulling me to my feet, whispering "Courage" and reminding me of the excitement of this journey, when we trust in Him.

So I cling to this image on the hardest days - the days when I feel so overwhelmed by the brokenness of the world, the heartache of the situations in my own life, the uncertainty of what lies ahead - I cling to this image and seek to trust. I seek to be brave.

Having courage, being brave, doesn't mean being fearless. It doesn't mean having all the answers and being "ready." Being brave is walking forward with God into the unknown and the struggle, willing to be used in whatever way He asks of us - while still feeling fearful and inadequate. "A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, and must empty ourselves. Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in his love than in your weakness." (Mother Teresa) Giving ourselves fully to God, choosing to believe in His love more than our weaknesses - this is what it looks like to be brave. This is what will lead to sacrifice, no matter how hard. This is what will lead to joy over anxiety.

We have the unbelievable privilege of walking with our Savior, joining with Him in His work of redemption, loving the most broken, fighting against evil. Even if hard, even if scary, He leads the way and stays to fight beside us, displaying His power through us to this hurting world. What a privilege. What a joy. This is the truth I choose to dwell on as I take deep breaths each day.

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading" (Oswald Chambers)

"Courage, dear heart." - Aslan