A season of Advent and Brokenness

How can we still have hope with everything going on around us? Here are my reflections on that question, as we grieve over Mike Brown and Eric Garner in this season of Advent:

The link above will take you to Shared Justice, the blog for which I wrote these reflections. Here is the original, extended version of those thoughts, if you prefer that :)


Advent and Brokenness

As a white woman, I have known much privilege. Until the past few years, I never had any reason to doubt the functionality of our justice system or the reliability of law enforcement. I had no reason to doubt that our system works well for most people – because it has worked well for me. I have been, and still am to a large extent, largely ignorant of my own white privilege.

But thankfully, over the past few years, God has led me to relationships that have begun to open my eyes. I now have dear friends who are black.  My husband and I mentor a 12-year old black boy, whom we love as if he was our own flesh and blood. My husband cares deeply for his hundreds of former black students. We both interact with black people daily who we know and respect. We were close to fostering a young black boy this year, whom we also love deeply. We know there is a good chance we might one day adopt a black child.

Having these relationships – having my heart moved – has opened my eyes. Let me be clear: I love my country. I have no doubt in my mind about how blessed I am to live here. I know many, many law enforcement officers, judges, and regular old civilians like myself who seek what is RIGHT with all their might everyday. I know our system functions well much of the time.

But I also have seen firsthand the ways it fails. Without a doubt, there is systemic injustice that exits in our systems – and our culture. We cannot be afraid to acknowledge this. We cannot be ignorant of the fact that white privilege exists, and that it prevents many of us from seeing the depth of the injustice that exists around us. It doesn’t mean our entire country is flawed, but if we do not recognize that our system is imperfect – it was imperfect when it was established and it is imperfect today – our country WILL fall apart. If we allow injustice to exist, it will only increase. It is time to recognize the glaring evils that we have allowed to survive, and demand change where it is so desperately needed:

When the vast majority of our failing schools are filled with minority children, something needs to change. When nearly 80% of black children cannot read at grade level by 8^th grade, something is wrong. When nearly half of all black children under age five are living in poverty, something is wrong. When a black man is choked to death by a police officer on video and that officer is not indicted for murder, something is very wrong.

There are a lot of reasons why these inequalities and injustices exist, and not enough space to delve into them all here. But the reality is that they do exist - and we all play a part in allowing it. We cannot be afraid to admit this. We need to let go of our own cultural perceptions and biases. We need to not let ideals based on our own comfort rule us. We need to get outside ourselves. We need to do what it takes to make sure inequality does not exist, as much as it depends on us. Let’s be involved in our schools, our communities. Let’s have relationships with those who are different from us. Let’s love our neighbors – all of them – as ourselves. We need to listen. Let’s feel what our brothers and sisters feel.

This is what Christ commands of us. As his followers, we are called to be the first ones bringing injustice to light. We are called to lead the way in naming and destroying anything that is not what God intended. In Christ, we are all equal and if one of us is suffering, we all suffer. We cannot be silent. We cannot allow defensiveness or anger to rule us, but rather compassion and humility as we seek change:

“Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all. Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience…” (Colossians 3:11-12)

We cannot fight anger and injustice with more anger and injustice. We must reflect Christ’s perfect way – listening in humility, recognizing where we’ve been wrong in meekness, being patient with those who are angry or hard.

But while Christ was humble and meek, he was not silent. He was not afraid. He was bold. He blazed with zeal and passion, and burned with anger when he saw wrong. He did not, and does not, tolerate the mistreatment of ANY person made in His image. So we should not either.

What lights Christ on fire and makes him upend tables in the temple should cause us to do the same. Watching in silence when injustice is active around us the same as if we were doing it ourselves. Christ makes it very clear: we are not to tolerate sin. And the fact that in our country today the majority of our failing schools are filled with minority children who are pushed through a system in which they are destined to fail – this is sin. Because ALL are made in God’s image. Though we might not be physically pushing children into the “school-to-prison pipeline,” though we might not be one of the officers murdering an unarmed man, though we might not be one of the citizens who has actively racist thoughts – if we do not ACT to change these realities, we are allowing people made in God’s image to suffer injustice. And we are sinning.

“We do the Light a disservice when we underestimate the darkness. Jesus entered a world plagued not only by the darkness of individual pain and sin, but also by the darkness of systemic oppression.” (Christena Cleveland)

God saved us so that we might love and glorify him forever – and that includes eternal life. But Christ also saved us so that we can follow his example. So that we can step into the deep, systemic darkness around us and bring Light. We must acknowledge the darkness around us, so that we can bring the full power of the Light. God calls us to love and glorify him now through joining him in his larger redemption plan, which includes this world as well as heaven. We are saved that we might be who he created us to be and join him in the work he created us to do. Until we recognize this, we are not living in the full purpose he has for us.

This purpose includes living with a “holy discontent” – a burning in our hearts because we have a vision from Christ that there is something BETTER he desires for us and our world. A holy discontent that causes us to look at our cities and weep when we see pain or injustice, as Christ did when he looked over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41). We are called to feel the pain of ANY of our brothers and sisters who are suffering, who are living under ANY type of injustice. We are called to feel sickened, to weep, to fight, as Christ did. Christ’s love and compassion were so deep, his bravery and boldness so strong, that he walked to the cross. Let us be like Christ. Let us love with compassion, and let us fight with humility and steadfastness. Let us weep with those who weep, let us touch those who are hurting, let us listen to those who are grieving, let us upend tables in places of hypocrisy and speak boldly in the face of evil. Let us be willing to walk to the cross for our brothers and sisters.

“A scared world needs a fearless church.” (A.W. Tozer) In this time of Advent especially, we are called to show the world that Christ has come near. Immanuel, “God with us,” has saved us and shows us a new Way. Advent reminds us that one day he will return again, once and for all, and will make all things new. There will be no more prejudice or murder. But until then, we are to be his hands and feet, a foretelling of this reality, furthering His vision of renewal as much as we can while we are on this earth. In this time of Advent, we can show the world a glimpse of heaven - a glimpse of true peace and justice. We can bring Light into the darkness.

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” - Isaiah 9:2

I grieve for Michael Brown, Eric Garner, and so many others. I grieve for the deep wrongs that exist in our country. But I believe, and am thankful, that right now during Advent the Church is poised to step out and lead in a clear way. We are poised to bring the Light, to bring Christ’s message of redemption and reconciliation, to proclaim that He has come and is coming again. So let’s do it.

Friends, let’s FIGHT. Not with weapons, but with our prayers and words and lifestyles. Let’s move, let’s be brave, let’s destroy injustice. Christ will return someday, and he will make all things right. Let’s be on His side when we see him face to face. Let’s join Him NOW, furthering His purposes on this earth, pointing to his healing grace. Let’s fight with all our hearts, using all the power and authority He has given us to make sure all people are treated justly and all people have the chance to live the full lives God desires for them. Let’s fight to make this world a little more the way God intended it. Let’s show this world a glimpse of what it will look like when Christ comes with fire and glory and completes his good work, destroying injustice and inequality once and for all.

“And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’”

Revelation 21:5

Look around – Aslan is on the move. Let’s join him.

Vapor

I feel so deeply that it paralyzes me sometimes. And it's hard for me to express to others, even my husband, what is going on in those moments, in my mind and heart and soul. It's hard for me to even process and understand for myself what I'm feeling a lot of the time. But God has shown me that this is ok - He has made me this way for a reason, and I'm learning to let Him order my thoughts and work out these "deep feels" for His purposes. He's shown me that it's ok to sit for awhile, and bring the intense anger, pain, compassion, joy - whatever it is in that moment - before Him. It's ok to let myself be moved beyond expression, to go outside and look at beauty and cry. To listen to others express the things swirling around in my soul. This song is one of those things I go to when I don't know what to say. When I just need to be still for awhile. If you're like me, I highly recommend making space for yourself to do this, in whatever way you need to. I personally recommend putting this song on repeat:

"Vapor"
The Liturgists

A whisper

The voice of God is a holy whisper. And I am learning to listen:

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper..." (1 Kings 19:11-12)

And He was there.

We long for Beauty

Our hearts long for something greater, something MORE. I feel this ache, this yearning, frequently. It's because God created us to know HIM, to know Something greater than this world has to offer. And it is when I am in creation that I feel this yearning most strongly, because all creation proclaims God's reality. It shouts of His glory. Even if we don't acknowledge Him, creation does. And our hearts feel a whisper, an echo of something ancient and deep and holy. When I am feeling anxious and falling into patterns of focusing on myself and my own little world, I am thankful for the moments of rest God gives me in creation - where my heart is reminded of the reality of something More and my soul is drawn back to the Glory that created us all.

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands....They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world."

Psalm 19:1-4

When I'm pacing my office

There are moments throughout my day where I feel like my heart is going to burst - I want so badly to help every hurting child, hold anyone who is alone, stop any evil from happening. My heart aches for this. I feel it so strongly that I can't sit still and end up walking in circles in my office thinking and praying. I feel excited because I KNOW deep in my bones that these desires are from God....He created us for MORE than we see now. He created us to desire all to know the freedom that comes from His salvation. To desire peace and justice and the world to be made right. He created us for this other world, and so it is only right that I yearn for it now. And I know He is at work even now advancing His Kingdom, binding up wounds and healing hearts and destroying evil. And it is so exiting that we get to be a part of this. I think this is why I'm always wanting to do MORE and dreaming and having ideas and feeling hopeful, even when there are heartbreaking things happening in my life and around me. I am so thankful for this hope God gives me - gives all of us.

But the hard part is that there ARE still heartbreaking things happening around us. We can't heal every wound and stop every injustice from happening and protect every hurting child. Because we aren't Jesus. One day HE will make all things new. One day all will be as it should. We can see little glimpses of heaven, of His kingdom, of glory right now - through the salvation He offers us, through how He moves in lives and works justice in the most unjust places. I am so thankful for these glimpses. And those moments when I am pacing my office or sitting overwhelmed in my apartment (sorry Stephen) and just want to DO and GO and ACT, I need to remember that we are living in the "now and not yet" - the God of eternity is moving in us and among us to further his purposes, but his Kingdom is not here yet.

So until it is, I will run "further up and further in" (Narnia reference of course), doing the little part He asks me to do, seeking to love fiercely and wholeheartedly each day, by His power. And those moments I can't sit still and my heart aches for more, I'll focus on those glimpses of glory I see now - through what God is doing in my own life, through the beautiful lives of my friends and family and the church as a whole, all over. And I'll remember that He is coming soon to bring all creation to completion.

Then I'll get back to work. (Or go to bed, depending on what time of day it is.)

What to do when feeling sick to your stomach

I have always felt a deep, unmoving call to love and work with the most vulnerable. And since the start of our marriage, my husband and i together have shared that vision and felt that passion.
But the past couple years, as we've actually been DOING that - in relationships with people who are different than us, loving the hurting - it has been HARD.

Loving the vulnerable is HARD. 

LOVING is hard. Period. It makes us vulnerable ourselves.

As I've sought to love the broken, vulnerable people around me over the past couple years....and as my heart has been breaking recently from experiences of family members close to me...and as my heart breaks for the situations going on in the world around me and in my own city....I've been close to breaking. There are so many days I don't know how to reconcile the blessings in my own life with the brokenness and suffering all around me. There are days where I just feel sick to my stomach.

But even as I've experienced these low, sick, panicked days, God has graciously opened my blurry eyes to more of Himself.....and allowed me to experience just as many deep, peaceful, quiet moments of truth. I want to try to share some of those of truths, for those of you who might feel a lot like me some days (I'll attempt to be brief....): 

* Remember grace. We don't deserve anything we have - our life, our salvation, our earthly blessings - but because of His unmerited favor He has blessed us with much. It is not up to me how much I have or how much others have. He has made me who I am and given me what I have, by His grace. And I can look to the example of Christ and live out His grace as He asks me: weeping with those who mourn, sitting with the brokenhearted, using the blessings and power He has given me to defend and advocate and show His grace to those hurting and oppressed. As Paul said, "By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect." (1 Cor. 15:10)

* Remember the character of our God. He is a God who loves us so deeply that He gave His own life for us. He is a God who, in Christ, sought out the most broken, messed-up, left out people and chose to sit with them. He chose to laugh and eat and hang out with those who society had forgotten, deemed as gross or too sinful or messed up. He loves us - each of us, in our weirdest, most messed up, left out moments where we feel so unloved and unaccepted by anyone else. As with the blind man in Luke 18, Jesus ALWAYS comes back for those others leave behind. He ALWAYS comes when we call. His heart is tender and compassionate towards us. And He is POWERFUL - one look from Him and the most powerful men in His time were silenced. No one dared touch anyone He defended. One sentence from Him turned away the most powerful evil. This is our Savior, the God we can walk with and whose power we can share in today.

* Christ is love, and "love always hopes" (1 Cor. 13:7). As a visionary and a passionate idealist, i know sometimes people mistake this hope for naivety. But as hard as the past couple years have been at times, and even now as I am discouraged and heartbroken by people and things going around in the world around us, Christ whispers His truth to my heart: love ALWAYS hopes. In Him, all things are being made new and He is at work powerfully all around us, in us, and through us. He is POWERFUL and He wants to use US to be "Repairer of Broken Walls" (Is. 58:12). He wants to use US to remind this hurting, broken world that in His love, there is always HOPE. Never feel naive for believing this - it's the truth.

* Faithfulness. God calls us to faith-fullness. Not to change the world, not to see fruit in everything we touch or success (whatever that even looks like anyway) in all our efforts and relationships. I'm realizing, and still learning, each day is that what God calls us to is just to be faithful. Faithful to Him, to walking "a long obedience in the same direction." I'm understanding deep in my heart, more and more each day, that faith is not knowing God's plan. It is loving our Savior and choosing to walk with Him each day down his path, even if we don't know where it leads. No matter how hard it might be, or what He asks of us. He just asks us to be faithful, to follow Him - not to put the whole world on our shoulders and wear ourselves into the ground everyday trying to save it - instead He asks us to quietly walk with him and let Him take us "further up, further in" (CS Lewis), trusting His power and might to strengthen us along the way. As a dear friend (shout out to Lauren Zumbrun) recently wrote, "...having faith is not following a life that we understand, it is being present in the place we are in, trusting in our Creator, and having the capacity to love well despite what circumstances may be."

* Joy. Knowing Him is joy. And we are blessed to live life and breath each day and join His redemptive work in this world in whatever way He calls us to. No matter how discouraging or sad or heartbreaking some days might be. On those days I feel like I want to scream...when I feel the heartache of the world and my family and my friends and everything pressing down on me until I almost can't breathe...Something pulls me back. And either through the soft words of my husband, truth spoken by a friend, or seeing the glory of a sunset reflected on the water, He reminds me of the deep JOY that comes from knowing His holiness and walking with Him. It is in Him that we live and move and have our being. It is in Him that we can know true joy despite the darkness all around us, to have the freedom to laugh and run and dream and love without fear of that darkness ever truly reaching us. If it reaches us for a moment (or even for years), we have a hope that goes beyond those years.
 
* It's ok to cry and be heartbroken. I've experienced firsthand that it's possible to be anxious and sad while at the same time still believing in the ultimate hope of Christ. This is life. And in the moments we feel most anxious and sad, its important to be honest about this and vulnerable with people who can empathize, support, encourage, and even get us the more tangible help we might need as we go about doing God's work. A pastor friend of mine (shout out to John Carroll) recently described it beautifully this way: so many of us fall into the pattern of living our days just preparing for the "other shoe to drop" - fearing what might happen, doing all we can to prevent pain or disaster, and spending our time looking ahead in anxiety, missing all that God is doing now. But God never says that if we stress enough about tomorrow, hard times won't come. Instead, He promises to be there when the shoe inevitably will drop, walking with us and showing us more of Himself in those moments. He invites us to a new pattern - one where we live passionately, trusting Him in a deeper way. Where we have bad days and cry on His shoulder, but where we ultimately trust His presence to carry us through tomorrow, whatever it may bring - and live fully in Him today.

* It's hard to admit this, because I've genuinely had a very blessed life - but I've realized the past couple years that even though I feel called to help and defend the most hurting and vulnerable, I am hurting too. I am vulnerable too. I need God's grace and mercy too. More than ever, just as much as the people I feel called to help. The more I've felt God's love for others, the more I've realized how broken and vulnerable I am. And that's good - it doesn't mean I'm disqualified from doing what I feel called to do; it's the opposite in fact. I've realized that the more I understand my own hurt and sadness, and how much I need Someone to help and defend me, the more my heart yearns to love and defend others. My passion and calling only grows stronger. As Christ has done for me, my heart yearns to do for others - to love as He first loved me. And more than anything, to help others see the true Rescuer.


So friends, as we go about our days, remember:

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together....he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel." (Col. 1:17, 22)

Still anxious...but taking deep breaths

Friends.....I'm still anxious (see previous posts about things going on in this season of life). This time of waiting and learning to take deep breaths and trust in God in a deeper way....it's been so needed for me. But so hard. And scary. Fear of the unknown, of hurt and pain, is a hard thing to overcome. There is so much uncertainty in life - but when you love people there will always be heartache and uncertainty. And getting involved in foster care just increases that exponentially. It's still scary and overwhelming for me to think about what God might be calling Stephen and me to. But over the past several months God has been reminding me over and over of His deep, inherent GOODNESS. His character is GOOD. And his LOVE - he is literally love (1 John 4:8). He has sacrificed for us, He advocates for us - and though in my humanness I am still afraid, He continues to open my eyes and give me a deeper conviction almost daily of our calling to do the same for others. I feel His fire for people burning in me....His fire for the lost, the hurting, the vulnerable. It fills me and fuels me and grows daily. Though my flesh is weak and still easily given to anxiety, I am so grateful for this season of FIRE - refining me and filling me with a deeper conviction, a burning, God-given passion for His children. On the days I almost feel overcome with anxiety and uncertainty, He fans the fire and burns away this fear.

Friends, He has given us LIFE. More and more in this time I'm understanding how much these lives are truly not our own. We are His - to take up our cross, to be loved powerfully by Him, to weep with Him and laugh with him, to love others with abandon and tears and joy. Dying to ourselves everyday, no matter how challenging or scary, and trusting Him more deeply allows us to show His resurrection power to the world. This is the cry of my heart...to love Him more and show His glory to the world, for His love to pour out of me to the hurting and broken.

But sometimes (often) to most display His glory and love others fully, it is hard and uncomfortable for us. So no matter how much our hearts desire to follow Him and do His will, it is still scary. Which is why I am again so thankful for this time - to learn how to wait, how to pray continually and with greater faith, how to be willing to serve God even when I don't know what that might require of me. Not knowing what's next, feeling inadequate and insufficient, not being able to prepare, causes me to have a panic attack almost daily. Still. But then God whispers to me almost daily as well (often through my wonderful husband...) that faith doesn't mean we'll feel adequate or be able to prepare for what God is calling us to - "faith is knowing and loving the one who is leading," trusting that His story is so beautiful and His power so great that He will equip us for whatever comes. When I start to feel overcome by fear, I can almost feel Christ looking into my eyes, reaching down and pulling me to my feet, whispering "Courage" and reminding me of the excitement of this journey, when we trust in Him.

So I cling to this image on the hardest days - the days when I feel so overwhelmed by the brokenness of the world, the heartache of the situations in my own life, the uncertainty of what lies ahead - I cling to this image and seek to trust. I seek to be brave.

Having courage, being brave, doesn't mean being fearless. It doesn't mean having all the answers and being "ready." Being brave is walking forward with God into the unknown and the struggle, willing to be used in whatever way He asks of us - while still feeling fearful and inadequate. "A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, and must empty ourselves. Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in his love than in your weakness." (Mother Teresa) Giving ourselves fully to God, choosing to believe in His love more than our weaknesses - this is what it looks like to be brave. This is what will lead to sacrifice, no matter how hard. This is what will lead to joy over anxiety.

We have the unbelievable privilege of walking with our Savior, joining with Him in His work of redemption, loving the most broken, fighting against evil. Even if hard, even if scary, He leads the way and stays to fight beside us, displaying His power through us to this hurting world. What a privilege. What a joy. This is the truth I choose to dwell on as I take deep breaths each day.

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading" (Oswald Chambers)

"Courage, dear heart." - Aslan

As the wall crumbles

Man, it is easier to care about people through working on the big-picture issues, the root causes of injustice and pain...to go to work and work hard and not have to actually deal with the faces of actual hurting people. This is my tendency.

But in this timely season of Lent, God is using a couple different situations to bring me lower with Him, to the dust, to the brokenness, to the people I say I care about and work for....and He is asking me if I am wiling to give up power, dreams, control and truly love with my whole heart...asking me if I am willing to truly walk throughout life with those I am called to love, to sacrifice whatever He asks of me to love others deeper, to let my heart be broken fully as His is. It is so hard to be completely willing, to open our hearts to care and love as God asks of us - it is much easier to love to an extent, to care about and work for the hurting....but guard our hearts a bit and not let ourselves enter fully into relationship. Because it hurts and it's hard and it's exhausting....I have felt myself wrestling with God on this so much the past couple years. I feel myself love and care for them and it's HARD and I just want a neat answer for how I can solve their problems and the problems of the world and be done with it.

But that's not what God asks of us - He asks us to BE LIKE HIM, loving others fiercely and with fire and letting our hearts be poured out, even if it means they get broken a bit (or a lot) in the process. There is definitely a place for the big-vision ideas and plans and jobs - they are a necessary part of the work God has called many of us to here in America. I still feel called to that myself. But if we are using those big things to prevent us from seeing the small - to prevent us from being brought low with Christ and loving face to face....then we are wrong. We are all called to love fully as Christ loved, trusting Him in a deeper way and letting Him bring us out of our comfort zones and neat boundaries...and into more of His fullness and glory. 

An update on fostering - and the perfect timing of Lent

Many of you know some or all of Stephen's and my journey over the past couple weeks, but I thought it was time to write a more cohesive update (along with a few other thoughts):

Just about two weeks ago Stephen and I were asked to foster a little boy we know and love dearly. Because of the urgent nature of the foster care system, we had a few short days to think and pray about it before either moving forward or closing that door. Through praying a lot those few days, we both felt God calling us out of our comfort zones, asking us to be willing to enter into this life-changing situation no matter how challenging it might be.…So we decided to move forward with the fostering process.

As is the nature of foster care though, it is a complicated and messy process and long story short, the birth father stepped in a few days later and now wants the child. So as of now, it looks as if he will go to the birth father.

It has been an intense couple weeks, with a lot of change happening really fast and a lot of deep emotions. We love this little boy - we've known him since the day he was born and have been praying for him from even before then. We want the best for him....and this whole situation is just very uncertain. It is still a possibility we could get him at some point and our hearts ache for this; but we also ache for him to have the love and care from his birth parents that he deserves. We are sad and tired right now, but God gives us hope throughout this process by reminding us how much more He loves this child than we could ever imagine (thanks to many of you for being the instruments through which God has reminded us of this). Since the beginning of our relationship with the birth mother three years ago God's hand has been so evident - through the ups and downs we truly believe He is writing a beautiful story, for His glory (You can read a little more background about this story here).

And we have faith that His good purposes in this whole process extend far beyond what we can know now. Already, just in a couple short weeks, God has shown Stephen and me more of what it means to trust Him fully and deeply: what it looks like to hold our hands open to him with those we love most, seeking to follow the example of Abraham with his son Isaac, asking God to do what He will and learning to trust Him either way….and we have had to. We wake up in the morning, still at this point not knowing what will happen with this child tomorrow or in 6 months or 2 years....but we are learning as we walk through each day what a deeper trust looks like. God doesn’t ask us to trust him only when we feel confident about what’s next; He asks us to trust Him because He is God and He is GOOD....no matter the outcome. So we pray to trust, with open hands and willing hearts. And we believe that no matter how hard this situation and others in the future might be, it will always be worth it to love.

And while I truly believe this, I need to be honest about where I am right now: I'm tired. I have walked with this friend the past 3 years, doing all I know to do to help her and speaking all the words of advice and truth that I can. Now I love her son as well and there is literally nothing I can do for him at this point except wait. Wait and cry out and get outside myself, trusting in the hand of God more than ever before.

So it is timely that Lent begins tomorrow. The season of Lent has always impacted me greatly - it is a season that shows more of Christ's humanness and brokenness than any other. His deep love for us displayed in the strength and sorrow of His sacrifice on Good Friday has always especially moved me (So much so that Stephen actually proposed to me on Good Friday, wanting our marriage to reflect the ultimate selfless love our Savior displayed on that night).

But even with Lent impacting me so much over the years, it's significance has never hit me so hard as right now. With my heart hurting for this little child I love so much, hurting for his mother, for the brokenness of our systems and culture, heavy with weariness at all I see...I bow my head, thankful for God's timing.

I am thankful to be forced to my knees at a time we are called to reflect on the humility of Christ....I am thankful to be on my knees knowing my Savior was, and is, down here with me. I am thankful for this season of brokenness, reflection, and self-denial with my Savior.

I have always been a control person, a do-er. And I think because of this I have always struggled with fear around surrendering completely to God's power, because it is so awesome and unknown - who knows what He will require of me, if I truly give him control and enter deeper into His love and compassion? Easier to try to live out His love on my own. Easier to do for people than to let our hearts break fully for them. Easier for me to come up with plans to help the birth mother, to find the resources she needs, to help her children and try to rescue them myself - easier to do all this than to let my heart break completely for her as my Lord's does. Easier to do this than to pray and intercede and wait for Him to move.

But there is no end to brokenness in sight and I'm at my end now. The end of my rope, the end of my means. I am just weary. So I enter this season of Lent, tired but thankful for God's perfect timing....thankful that He has been breaking my heart and preparing me for what He knows I need this season. It's like He has brought me to a place where I can do nothing but cry out, walking with Him and weeping and learning to get over myself and trust fully and deeply. He has brought me to this place but I am tired and I welcome it.

So I enter this time of repentance, asking forgiveness for the ways my fear and pride have prevented me from loving my God and this friend and others fully. I ask for Him to bring me low in this time, to help me walk with Him purposefully in His humility and suffering, being reminded of my own sin and selfishness. I ask for Him to help me deny myself in this time to I can experience His strength and grace and compassion in even deeper ways, filled to overflowing with renewed love for this mother who is really my sister, and for my other brothers and sisters for whom God has called me to love and sacrifice - as He has done for me.

In brokenness but also in faith I will cry out with my Savior for God to deliver and to move. I will ask Him to help me love "to the end" and to trust in His power daily to deliver against addiction and brokenness, to save hurting children. And I will look forward all the more to celebrating His resurrection over all pain and anger and death this Easter. I hope you will join me in this as well.

"Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end." (John 13:1)

Anchor

My heart feels so full of love and pain and compassion at times I feel like it's going to burst.

This is a blessing. I know this is from my Savior. He has given me a heart that hurts deeply for the unloved, for the broken, for the vulnerable. He has given me a burning passion for justice, for all His people and all His creatures to be loved and cared for the way He desires.

God has given me a deep love for people and a bright, hopeful vision of the way things should be and the way He will make all things again. This vision fills me with joy and excitement and I just cant help but tell people about it, and do everything in my power to further this vision.

This is all a gift. I know it is. By His grace, my Savior has opened my eyes to His beauty and salvation and has given me a heart that hurts like His and is learning to love like His more every day.

But as with all of us, there are days where the enemy corrupts this gift. Days when I think about the injustice that happens to the innocent, the leaders who take advantage of their people, the strong who hurt the weak, and I am so overcome with anger that I almost can't process my thoughts, can't move. Days where I can't stop my mind from imagining the loneliness and hurt of a child who does not have parents to love and care for him the way God intended. And I'm paralyzed. Days where my mind goes numb from thinking about the hopelessness of trying to break the cycles that prevent girls from knowing their full value as women of God.

A wise teacher at a retreat recently reminded me how it is the very gifts God has given us that our very real enemy sneakily corrupts. We forget how real he is sometimes, but there are days like today where I can almost feel a darkness in my heart.

The love and compassion for people becomes a burden. My heart hurts so much that it's all I can think about...my head pounds as I imagine the pain and suffering of so many and I cant stop thinking about it and my mind spins and spins until I'm crying at my desk at work and there is no hope.

But when the tears start to come - this is when the Spirit our Savior gives us whispers to me, reminding me that He has cried more than this. And that it's ok to cry - that this crying and hurting and crying out is a gift. He asks us to do this - he asks us to feel what He feels and love as He loves.

And He reminds me that in Him our minds can be transformed - can be brought into deeper unity with His vision, taught to pray more powerful prayers, quieted to listen to more of His hopeful story, and directed so that we know how to respond to the brokenness He shows us. We no longer have to cry angry tears and imagine endless pain for the innocent. No, instead we can know that even at this moment it is God Himself who fights for them. He hears our cries for mercy and responds.

My Savior reminds me that through the transforming of our minds the hope of His salvation settles deep within our hearts, protecting our thoughts from the spinning lies of the evil one. He reminds me that He desires our hearts AND our minds to be anchored by the hope of our souls (Heb. 6:19)

So, to my fellow compassionate over-thinkers and over-analytical activists, this is my continual prayer for you and for myself: I pray we would not be afraid to love deeply and to weep loudly. I pray we would not be afraid to storm the most heart-breaking areas with fire in our eyes - not broken by what we see but spurred on by faith in the power of our God to love even more wildly....even as we weep. I pray our minds would be so transformed that we see beyond what is plain in this world to the shadows of darkness that lurk just past our vision, and the fire of the Cross that fights them.

I pray the hope that anchors our souls and brings us "behind the curtain" would quiet our minds and order our thoughts, bringing us to His feet and freeing us to think clearly and move boldly - even as we see the hurting world around us. Because our God goes before us, making all things new and shadows disappear. (Is. 45:2-3)

 

 

"...we...take hold of the hope set before us...We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf." (Hebrews 6:18-20)

photo credit: http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/345/c/6/aslan_and_lucy_by_genevi-d5np7gx.jpg

“Trust Him to lead you...find....perfect peace and freedom in the presence of the Lord, who is the Lover of your soul.”
-John of the Cross (via Lynne Hybels)

This is the year

This, this is the year
of lightning and thunder and
stillness
the year of the whispered truth that comes
after the Glory
this is the year
of Beauty and Fire
being carried on wings of iron, from
deep to deep
this is the year
to listen
to ponder deep in our hearts
the dreams that pour out of His eyes
this is the year
to be brought into His story
and out of ours
to have eyes opened
to the burning of the stars
to the depth of time and space and
the smallness of our part
and in this
we rejoice
this is the year of Joy
seeing Him more fully
and understanding, just a little more:
our small place
but our place
in His redemption story
this is the year of Peace
feet firmly planted in line with my Maker
following the likes of those ancient saints
names we all know, who long ago
learned to listen in wonder
but also
we follow those whose names will disappear
with ash and dust
never known by the likes of us, but who will see
face to face
known fully and dwelling in the shadows of His glory
because of lives faithfully given to His greater story
this is the year to learn, from their
humility
not caring if my name is repeated through the ages
caring only for more of the One who loves
this, this is the year to be held in perfect peace
my mind, stayed on Him
this is the year to dwell in the Rock that is higher than I
and when He leads, with eyes flashing fire
to move