Sooooo...I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed...Aaaaaaand we don't even have our baby yet. #Adoption #amiright?! I knew going into this that it would feel like this at times, and ultimately, I know it's good. I know it is through times like these that I'm brought closer to my Savior. But gosh, it's HARD. I've been feeling especially overwhelmed the past few days...there is just so much to do, so many logistics to take care of, paperwork, books to read, hoops to jump through for our agency, things to do to prepare to have a child - and an adopted minority child at that.
I daily have to repeat truths to myself (or listen to Stephen or friends as they repeat them to me....): God is providing us a SON; He is sovereign; He equips; we have the honor of loving and raising this child; God is making us partners with Him in His plan of redemption; it is an exciting and amazing and joyful season He is bringing us into. These are beautiful truths and I believe them and rejoice in them. I DO. But my anxious mind also so quickly goes to the fear of the unknowns, all the things we need to figure out, all my fears about parenting and the uncertainties of adoption....I literally don't know what the future looks like yet for my career, or what trauma our baby might have from his time in-utero, or how I find the racially and culturally diverse community and mentors our son will need, or how I am going to parent well when there is still so much I don't know...
And what will I do when - because I know it is not if, but WHEN - my son asks why people look at him because he is a different color than me. Why he is treated differently. Why there is such division in our country and our own community because of the way we look. My heart already aches thinking about these questions.
BUT - when my mind starts to spin, our God so quietly and graciously reminds me of the Truth: He is sovereign, He is above all, He is holy, He is kind.
And He is LOVE. But His love is not the simple emotional feeling we often associate with that word. His love is active, holy, powerful, it moves, it fights for us, it is sharp as a sword. It is a reconciling love. And I believe it is this love that fills Stephen and me, that transforms us and spurs us on, and that is preparing us even now to be the parents we are called to be. Our God moves with fire and power, and He but asks me to "be still, and know that I am God." (verse) The same God who breathed the stars into existence and who overthrows kings to defend the weak is the same God who walks with ME. All He is asks of me is that I be willing to follow him, to love as he loved, to go where he calls - trusting in his power to do more than I could "ever ask or imagine."
My prayer is that God would help me do this. And that despite the mistakes we will make as parents, that He would take us and refine us and use our little family to be a small example of His reconciling and redeeming power. That in our weaknesses, He will be made strong. That He would become greater in us, and we would become less. I BELIEVE He is designing our family purposefully and intentionally, and WILL equip us to be the parents He has called us to be. I might never feel in control or that I'm fully prepared - but that's not what He's promised me. He's promised that He will be with me, that He will strengthen and equip me, that in my weakness, He will be made strong. And that is enough.
I KNOW my God is alive, he is love, and he will work his beauty and magic in our lives and our story will play out exactly as it's supposed to. So I'm looking at this sonogram picture of our TINY little baby and marveling that God created this child for US. I cry a little most days, of course (#deepfeeler), thanking him for this life, and consciously making the choice to say YES, I am willing...willing to go where you lead, to love as you love. Then I pray some more for the faith and the strength to actually trust him above myself....and I pray for the day we'll get to bring our baby home and hold him in our arms and love him with all we are, through His mighty and fierce love in us.
No comments:
Post a Comment